I’ve been taking my time with this one. Probably because this one hurt the most. It’s easy to write about a psycho in Ohio who thought he was a God. It’s easy to write about a guy I spent only one month with and is now voting for Trump, following Andrew Tate and is now an incel. But it’s hard to write about someone you actually trusted when he said I love you and then he broke your heart and didn’t even look back. Another thing is that I don’t want to write out of anger and disdain. I don’t wanna be pointing fingers and make myself look like a victim. I want to be as objective as possible and simply just write what happened and take the blame where it needs to be taken. To be able to do that you need to forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive the other person. Move on. And I feel like I finally did that. 

I'm currently watching the tv show called The Deuce which is based in the 70s-80s and it perfectly shows the history of sex work. From street prostitutes working under pimps, to brothels, to porn. It's been making me think a lot about how things used to be, how they are now and how much has changed in a fairly short amount of time. People who used to turn to prostitution were usually women without education who did not have another choice. Later on when porn started to be a thing, all of the escorts wanted to be in the movies. Prostitution was the “dirty” job whilst porn was the lucrative one.

If you haven’t read volume 1 I highly encourage you to do so as this story begins where volume 1 ended. 

As I was suddenly completely alone not just in America but in a damn Cleveland where I didn't feel exactly safe, staying in an overpriced airbnb and with not much money left, I was thinking about the options I had left. Well, basically my only option was to just get a flight back to London, but I still had a feeling like it wasn't the right time yet. So I made an insta story asking my followers if any photographers/performers were in Ohio and would be up for collabing. 

I was inspired to write this post by a comment I received recently. I tweeted that I had a morning when I felt ugly and a man straight away had to say “How can someone like you ever feel ugly? Don't men pay you for sex and buy your porn?” Ugh…. This is the best way to show that you don't even see sex workers as humans. I bet this person has also never spent a single penny on me. It's highly ignorant to say something like this because you don't know anything about me. You don't know me, you don't know my finances, how I'm currently doing when it comes to work, how I'm doing mentally - you simply don't know shit. 

I remember the first time I read The Ethical Slut. I was single and only just started with sex work. I was blown away. I thought I found the key to perfect romantic relationships. I suddenly thought that my past relationships didn't work out because they were monogamous, and not because I dated jerks and I was a crazy bitch too. And probably even now if I read it again I would be like: Wow, yeah I want this. But some things are just better on paper. Or on the screen. Or in your head. 

But before I tell you what I think about polyamory now and how my views have changed, I have to first tell you about my experiences with it. 

When I was a barista there was a point when I registered that I kept hearing the same shit over and over again. It was the person asking during peak time “Can you make it quick? I gotta catch my train to get to work soon.” It’s the “My coffee is too hot; My coffee is too cold; It’s you putting down a coffee on the counter shouting “Oat flat white!” and a woman asking: Oh, is it mine? No Karen, you ordered a decaf soy cappuccino with two sugars, what’s wrong with you?

But honestly, why would she? Isn’t sex for money something that we worked so hard against as women? To not be seen as objects? To be treated with respect? To be able to have big successful careers? To take away the power from men to be able to take whatever they want? Isn’t that what feminism is about?

I’ve been a sex worker for over 3 years, and apart from stripping I dipped my toe into basically everything. Content creation, modelling, porn, dominatrix, camming, full service … I started as a “content creator” just as a little creative project. I wasn’t even gonna go full nude, but because I enjoyed it so much I naturally progressed my content from nudes to porn. But I never lost my main aim, which was to make it authentic, the best possible quality, and most importantly - real.

I wonder if it has always been a pain to be a hopeless romantic in this word, or if it’s just a problem of our generation. All the scrolling, swiping, hook up culture, countless possibilities, and always someone better on the horizon. That’s why people like me escape to the world of books, movies, shows, and find difficult to be present in the real word. The only way to push through after all the hope is gone is to desensitise. But then what is the point in living if not for love?

I wrote this Instagram post in 2022 in New York after I said goodbye to another person I loved. I was sitting alone inside of a caravan in Brooklyn where we had been staying for a week. I couldn’t stop crying and the pain I felt in my chest was so sharp I needed to write down what I felt:

One of the definitions of cheating is: to have a secret sexual relationship with someone who is not your husband, wife or usual sexual partner.

Being cheated on by someone who we love and trust can be truly heartbreaking. We start asking - how they could do it to us? Why did they do it to us? Why wasn’t I enough? Did they ever love me? The agony of betrayal can be devastating. Question is - Do we feel angry because our loved one was being sexual with someone else or do we feel angry because we were perhaps being lied to?

My teenage years and my early twenties were all about me trying to find a boyfriend, but instead of finding one I was just constantly ghosted or friend-zoned right after I would have sex with a dude. Luckily almost all of the guys from that time of my life are now fat whilst I got even hotter, and when they now slide into my DMs to tell me how great I look and ask if I wanna get a drink, I don’t even bother to reply that feels like the best kind of revenge.

I spent a year being surrounded by broken marriages, people cheating, people stuck in unhappy marriages, people in happy marriages yet not happy enough so they could actually be themselves and ask for what they want, people too busy for love, people too broken for love. I enjoyed being the escape for someone. Being the person that gives them hope for better days. Being the one that can give them pleasure they maybe haven’t felt for a while. I was the one they can tell their deepest secrets to.

Movies and tv shows are not giving us a false image just about love and relationships, but also about sex. Movies that are mostly for young teen girls are teaching them that virginity is something sacred, special and we should wait for THE ONE, who we decide to give our virginity to. Because “the first time“ is something we're gonna be remembering for the rest of our lives. Then movies for a bit older audience are showing us that people during sex look absolutely flawless and a thing like smudged make-up doesn't exist. And foreplay? Not needed.

….I definitely am. Relationships, sex, the way I see myself, the way I see the world, what I had for breakfast - you’ll find all these things on my social media. I know a lot of people see social media as a bad influence. And I totally get that. I’ve just never felt that way myself. I’ve always thought of myself as an outsider. Just a person that usually doesn’t fit in. It’s not easy for me to make new friends and that’s why I make sure I always cherish the old ones. And honestly - it’s social media that have given me lots of those friendships and also love, education and the possibility to evolve in a creative way.