My experience with polyamory vol. 1
I remember the first time I read The Ethical Slut. I was single and only just started with sex work. I was blown away. I thought I found the key to perfect romantic relationships. I suddenly thought that my past relationships didn't work out because they were monogamous, and not because I dated jerks and I was a crazy bitch too. And probably even now if I read it again I would be like: Wow, yeah I want this. But some things are just better on paper. Or on the screen. Or in your head.
But before I tell you what I think about polyamory now and how my views have changed, I have to first tell you about my experiences with it.
I got involved with three polyamorous men in the past 2 years. All of them were highly insecure, manipulative, narcissistic and in many cases - desperate. Of course I'm fully aware that monogamous men are idiots too. Trust me, I know. I'm definitely not here to put everyone in the same basket, especially since I know lots of non-monogamous people are following me too. I am simply just here to tell my stories and unfortunately the non-monogamous men are the worst men I ever crossed paths with.
I was talking to this guy Ameris on instagram for like two years. Basically since I started with onlyfans. He was American and he was travelling around his country with his friends, making money who knows how, but I was drawn to him because I liked how free spirited he was. Him and his friends just seemed like modern hippies. He talked a lot about mindfulness, energy and non-monogamy. One time we facetimed each other and we talked for like three hours. One year or so later in 2022 I was in Costa Rica. I was kinda lost, kinda sad, slowly but surely running out of money, but I didn't wanna go back to London yet. Me and him were always on and off in touch and that month I reached out to him quite a lot. He was always very supportive and understanding and I liked that about him. I felt like I could be vulnerable with him so I was very open with everything that was going on in my head and in my life. And then one day he told me that since I'm finally on the same side of the world as he is, I should come to Cleveland in Ohio and stay in his place. He said he was stuck in his parents house but only with his mum. Apparently he got caught by a police with a mushroom in his car and he couldn't leave the state until he was done with his court case. I think a lot of people could be put off by that information, but literally two weeks before I had done a plant ceremony with mushrooms and DMT, so being judgmental would seem hypocritical to me. Plus I already knew that he liked to smoke weed and do an occasional trip to another dimension. So yeah, he said I could stay rent free, I could just properly recharge, think about what it is that I wanna do both with my life and my work and we could motivate each other. That was his offer. And because my birthday was coming up, he said he would fly me over as a birthday present. How could I say no to this? I guess now it's a good time to mention that I had no romantic interest in him. I just saw him as a cool guy I wanted to get to know, perhaps learn from especially when it came to relationships, and just make good memories together. I saw us hanging out, talking about life, going on hikes around Ohio and taking cool photos. When I was in Costa Rica I went through a massive heartbreak and a few other very short romantic relationships so I was done. He knew about all that and I told him I was ready to finally just focus on myself again. And he said his place would be the best place to do it. But looking back I wonder if I was really just stupid or naive thinking that this guy was genuine and he wouldn't want anything in return from me.
I was travelling for two days. First day in Costa Rica I had to get from the Pacific Coast to San Jose which was like a four hour shuttle bus journey. I stayed one night in an airbnb near the airport and the next morning I got a flight from Costa Rica to Atlanta, and then from Atlanta to Ohio. That was a long fucking day. In Atlanta they almost didn't let me into the country. I had no idea that something like facial recognition was a thing. They must have found out I was a sex worker straight away and the fact I had someone actually buying the flight tickets for me definitely didn't help. I had to come up with lies on the spot and I'm really not a good liar. The guy started asking me who is it that I'm visiting, how did we meet, for how long we've known each other etc. I knew that saying “I know Ameris from instagram.” just wouldn't sound great so I came up with this story about how he had lived in London couple years ago and we worked together and just stayed in touch. But the guy was not buying it and he took me to this room where I had to sit down and wait to talk to someone else. I looked around and from all the people waiting I was the only white woman there and clearly also the only one who could speak english. I really don't know what it was that actually helped me out. The fact I didn't brush my hair for four months and I clearly did not look like a hooker someone would fly out for sex, or that I was already solo travelling around for months? But the second guy I talked to was a lot nicer and he eventually let me through. But not before he asked me all the intrusive questions like how much money do I have in my bank account or if the guy I'm meeting is paying me for sex. God bless America.
By the time I arrived in Cleveland it was like 11pm. I was exhausted and couldn't wait to just crash in bed. Ameris was waiting for me in the parking lot and the moment I got into his car I had a feeling I made a mistake. His whole car smelled like weed, and for a guy who was on house arrest for possession of drugs, that didn't seem like a smart move. After a 20 minute drive we got to his house which seemed more like a palace. It was huge. Now this was my first time in the US. I was only used to the British housing with halls so narrow you can barely get through. He prepared a room just for me, which I found so kind and amazing. At that time my main income was camming so I really needed the space and privacy. We chatted for a bit and then he asked if he could stay for the night and I didn't see why not. Until he tried to make a move on me. I said I was really tired, which I was but also damn, I really didn't want to have sex with him.
We woke up pretty late the next day and of course he tried to have sex with me again and I just gave in. It's an awful feeling - that you owe it to a man because he did something nice for you. And men are so good at making women feel this way. I recommend the book “Rough” by Rachel Thompson. So many women have stories about how they went on a date with a guy, he paid the bill and when the woman said she’d like to go home alone, the man got angry. Sometimes they would even ask for the money they spent on dinner and drinks back. I guess I just really wanted to believe that a man did something nice for me because he thought I was cool, because he wanted to get to know me and he wanted to support me. Like a normal friend would. But 90% of men only do nice things for women because they expect to get laid afterwards. Not because they wanna be gentlemen and not because they are nice people. The sex with him was excruciating. It was insanely long, it was insanely boring, weirdly slow and the whole time I was just thinking about the guy who had broken my heart two months ago to make it a little bit more bearable. The hilarious thing about it was that afterwards he said he really enjoyed how present we both were. Such delusional creatures men are.
He then gave me a proper tour of his house. I met his mum and she seemed lovely enough. They had a massive garden, a hot tub, the sun was shining and I felt hopeful again. We had something to eat and we chatted outside on the porch. He then told me that one of the girls that he was seeing was gonna come later in the evening and we should all hit the hot tub. I couldn't imagine anything worse. I was still so tired after all the travelling and I just felt like I wanted to be alone, watch an episode of New Girl and sleep some more. And so that's what I did. I heard them having sex that night in his room which was next to mine. Then she left and he came around 3am to sleep next to me and he spooned me. “Wow so this is what polyamory is.” I said to myself and went to sleep.
I stayed for four days altogether. I came there thinking I was gonna be around someone who was gonna motivate me and I was gonna motivate him. I wanted to work on my slut business, I wanted to have deep talks, do yoga together and explore Ohio. Instead the guy brought a different girl every night at 10pm when I was going to bed, went to sleep at 3am and then woke up at 2pm the next day. Also for someone who was so highly spiritual, mindful and loving, I thought he was gonna be more environmentally conscious. We had a brief conversation about veganism, but after he said that plants feel pain I knew I was talking to a lunatic. Both him and his mum were never cooking and only eating take aways. They also only used paper plates and plastic cutlery so they wouldn't have to wash anything. Ameris never cleaned anything after himself and he let his mum do it. They had a small dog and the dog was shitting everywhere around the house because no one took him out for a proper walk. One time I found him on a table eating a leftover burger.
On day three I decided to sit down with Ameris and talk to him. I was not attracted to him and I was not gonna have sex with him again out of guilt. I was thinking about just going back to London but the flights were so expensive. I would literally arrive in London with 5 quid on my bank account and no place to stay. I told myself that surely he was gonna understand and he was gonna be grateful for my honesty. Gosh, I was so wrong. He got really mad. He told me I took advantage of him and his kindness. That I'm jealous of his other girlfriends. And that I'm just scared because for the first time in my life I finally met a real man. He said that he knows I was attracted to him and that I was just scared he was gonna hurt me since he was everything I ever wanted. He said that there were thousands of girls who would kill to be in my position right now. He also called himself a God. I was sitting there across him wondering how the fuck did I get into this situation. I usually have such a great sixth sense when it comes to people. I didn't know if I should laugh or run very very far away. But I was in a fucking America and I didn't know anyone. I tried to explain to him that I still wanted to hang out, I still wanted to do all the things we said we were gonna do, but only as friends. He just wouldn’t listen. We had a little fight and then he went out. And I just went to my room and worked for the rest of the day. He again came home with a girl later that night, they had sex and then he came to sleep in my room like nothing had happened.
The next day, which was day four, he came to me saying he would like to book an airbnb for us so we could film a video there together. In my head I was like what the actual fuck. I had literally told him the day before I was not attracted to him and didn't wanna be intimate with him. He even said that we should do a video together with Sydney and Rachel (his harem). At that moment I realised that I could only stay if I agreed to be his sex slave and I did whatever he wanted me to. I very politely said that it just wasn’t something I wanted to do right now and that clearly things were not working out, because we both had different expectations. I asked him to let me stay for another day or two so I could find a place to go. He started yelling at me to get the fuck out immediately and that I should give him all the money he spent on me back. Obviously I did not have the money but I said “fine” and I just started packing right away. He sat down on a bed watching me pack and suddenly he started apologising to me and asking me to stay and work things out. He said that THE SPIRIT wanted us to work things out. He even offered me money to stay so I wouldn't have to work. (what the actual fuck?????!!! One minute ago you accused me of only using you for your money??!) Then he said the reason we were not getting along was because we stayed in his parents house so we should go to an airbnb together. And that if I still wasn’t feeling it afterwards, I could just simply tell him. (yeah because he took rejection so well so far) You read or you hear about narcissists, manipulators, mental abusers, but you have no idea how it's gonna feel when you cross paths with one. I cannot imagine what I would do if I met him in a different stage of my life. Even though I wasn't doing the best mentally, I was still strong enough to know and remember who I was. To not listen to what he was saying to me. He tried to make me feel like I needed him but I knew I had to get out. I managed to book an airbnb for three nights, whilst he was still next to me talking bullshit. I did need someone to drive me there though so I asked him. Now it was time for me to manipulate him. I told him that time apart was gonna be good for us and afterwards we could maybe meet up and sort things out. But clearly I had no intention to ever see him again.
He smoking a joint whilst he was driving and I was basically prepared for him to crush the car and kill us both. When we finally got to the airbnb building I was having trouble contacting the host for codes to get in. The guy wasn't replying to my messages and wasn't picking up his phone, which meant I was stuck with that crazy motherfucker for a little bit longer. There was a moment when I thought we were actually gonna have a peaceful goodbye. He was still talking absolute shit but in a more peaceful way. He said I came to Ohio because I obviously wanted his babies. I thought it was the most hilarious thing I've ever heard, but he didn't laugh because he actually believed his delusion. When I finally got the code he helped me out with my bags. It was a massive warehouse with different flats inside. As we were looking for the flat I was staying in, he got angry again and tried to hurt me with his words. He told me I was insecure and jealous of other women and also that I was a lesbian which is why I didn't wanna have sex with him. We started fighting again and as we got to the right flat, I found out the host gave me a wrong code. I was on the edge of a breakdown at that point. It's actually surprising I lasted for so long without crying, screaming or trying to kill him. But I also knew I had to control myself and not to have a breakdown until I was on my own and safe. A guy who was working in the building saw me struggling to get in so he came to help. I got in, I said goodbye to that crazy fucker, closed the door and I just sat in a chair for like an hour without moving. I only started crying when I found out I forgot my vibrator at his place. I just went through hell, my birthday was in two days and now I couldn't even have a fucking wank. The next morning I woke up with a huge cold sore under my nose. Not surprising at all since I always get one when I'm under a huge amount of stress. I also had a voice message from Ameris. He was saying that we should work things out and that everything was gonna be just fine because The Spirit sent me to Ohio for a reason. I told him that it wasn’t what I wanted and that nothing he'd say would change my mind. He replied with another voice note saying: “I don't agree and don't believe this is how you're feeling because I don't believe that you actually know how you're feeling. That's not on me to be your psychiatrist because that's on you to get help. Anyway we should get an airbnb together when you finish with your alone time.” I blocked him after this.
In the next month when I was no longer in Cleveland, his girl Rachel was stalking my instagram and then she sent me a DM saying “Hanging out with Ameris in a hot tub and I would love to chill with you too.” I blocked her.
One year later he joined my onlyfans and sent me a message saying: “Hey Lea, I hope you're doing good. Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking about you lately and I really miss you and I love you. Peace and love.” I didn't block him because then I wouldn't get his money, so I only restricted him so he couldn't message me. He is still subscribed.
The first morning after I ran away from him I wrote this list of things he told me about myself in those four days:
I have a low self-esteem
I'm a lesbian
I'm ashamed of my work
I use people for my own good
I only use men for their money
I can't take care of myself
I hate women because I'm jealous of them
I've never actually loved anyone before him
I was repeatedly abused as a child (I wasn't. Nothing he said is true but I feel like I needed to be extra clear with this one and say I was not abused as a child)
I don't know my own worth
The only reason why I didn't want to be part of his harem is because of my low self esteem and constant need of validation
Nothing I say is ever valid because I never speak my own truth
I use a vibrator because I'm unable to give my body pleasure in a natural way
All the men I've ever dated and loved were losers (I disagree with this only for like 50%)
Mental abusers are no joke. And of course narcissists like him would start preaching polyamory, because it means they can have control over multiple women instead of just one. I just cannot even imagine how brainwashed those girls who were seeing him must have been. You have to have a very strong sense of self to not fall for people like him who try to make you small. And thankfully I do.
After this experience I was only three hours of a bus ride away from meeting with another polyamorous man….