My experience with polyamory vol. 2

If you haven’t read volume 1 I highly encourage you to do so as this story begins where volume 1 ended. 

As I was suddenly completely alone not just in America but in a damn Cleveland where I didn't feel exactly safe, staying in an overpriced airbnb and with not much money left, I was thinking about the options I had left. Well, basically my only option was to just get a flight back to London, but I still had a feeling like it wasn't the right time yet. So I made an insta story asking my followers if any photographers/performers were in Ohio and would be up for collabing. 

That's when N. contacted me. He was my OF subscriber who then purchased my snapchat so we were more in touch. He was never one of those subs who send dicks pics, or think I'm horny and online 24/7. He would only sometimes approach me commenting on my daily vanilla posts, we had a bit of vegan talk as he was also a vegan and I genuinely had a good vibe from him. He said he was based in Columbus and he was renting a photo studio so it would be cool to create something together. I asked if I could also crash at his place for a couple days and he said yes. He did tell me that for a few days his friend, who was also a model, was coming to stay with him and asked if I was okay if all of us would squeeze in his one bedroom flat. I had absolutely nothing to lose and nowhere to go, so yes of course I was okay with that. I actually thought it could be fun and who knows - maybe my first ever threesome?

So I booked a bus ticket and two days after I spent my 29th birthday completely alone in Cleveland I was on my way to Columbus. 

He picked me from a bus station, we went to get a meal together and then he took me to a really cool bookstore as I finished reading all the books I had on my travels. We clicked straight away. We had the same sarcastic sense of humour, I felt really comfortable with him and actually thought he was cute. 

The first two nights it was just me and him and he was dog sitting for a gay couple in this three floor mansion where I was also allowed to stay with him. It was the classic American house you see in movies with a massive garden that had a little pond and a hot tub. I felt like I was in American Horror Story Season 1 and was just wondering if I find latex suit somewhere.

We spent the first night in a hot tub drinking red wine. I did ask him about the girl that was coming to see him - let's call her Claire. He said that he and Claire did have a certain sexual attraction and feelings towards each other and that she was in a polyamorous relationship and he also identifies as a polyamorous person. For me that was a signal to stay away no matter how cute I thought he was. I told him that I don't think I could be in a polyamorous relationship, that I'm a hopeless romantic and I just much prefer to dedicate myself and my time to one person. Unfortunately after a second bottle of wine my determination was nowhere to be found and I ended up passionately kissing him in the hot tub. It's hard not to lose all your boundaries when you're just a girl in a massive mansion in America, drinking fancy red wine under the stars in a hot tub. But nothing else happened that night because drinking red wine whilst you're in hot water is never a good idea. I did not get sick but I did fall asleep in the bathroom hugging the toilet and N. had to help me to get to bed. 

However in the morning as we woke up next to each other and I was wearing cute satin pyjamas he suddenly asked: “Permission to touch your shoulder?” I nodded and he started lightly touching me from my shoulder to my neck. It felt nice. Then he asked: “Permission to kiss you?” and I nodded again. Well, I'm sure you can figure out what happened next. Yes, I'm weak. Don't judge me. Or maybe do, I deserve it. The rest of the day felt like we were a married couple taking care of a bunch of our kids. We were looking after the two dogs of the gay couple and N. had two dogs of his own and they did not really get along with each other, so there was a lot of dog drama. 

The next morning we had sex again. Early afternoon our dog sitting work ended and we had some time before Claire was supposed to arrive. N. took me to some sort of festival with music where also a lot of independent artists were selling their art. He was holding my hand the whole time and was acting like we were a couple. I was nervous about Claire's arrival and had no idea what the dynamic was going to be like but as always - I just decided to trust the guy. 

Early evening we got to his apartment and soon Claire arrived and was dropped off by her boyfriend. She was 21 and she looked like she got stuck in the 2006 emo phase. She said hi to me and that was the only thing she said to me for the next couple days. Her body language was saying it all. I was sitting on a couch, N. was cooking in the kitchen and she was sitting on a stool near him, her body turned back to me. N. tried to involve me in the conversation at first, but they just kept talking about things and people I didn't know. I felt extremely uncomfortable and awkward. Then suddenly the question "Who was gonna be sleeping with N. in the bedroom and who was gonna be on the couch in the living room.” popped up. The good old self destructive me said I was happily gonna sleep on the couch. None of them was objecting. I was really desperately trying to play it cool. I tried to make myself think I was so cool with the fact, that a guy who fucked me just this morning, and then spent the whole day treating me like I was his girlfriend was gonna be sleeping in the next room with another girl. But I really wasn't cool with it. 

I tried to fall asleep as soon as possible but they were talking until 2am and I heard them even through my headphones. The next morning I was mad. I was mad at myself for getting myself into the same shit situation again. I was mad at him for making me feel small. But when they woke up he came to me and he said that he didn't want anything to happen between him and Claire, because he didn't want me to be put off and to destroy what we possibly might have. Ok, that was kind of sweet but also sounded a bit weird since it was me who slept alone on the couch. The couch was pretty specious so he could have left her alone in the bed and just come and sleep next to me? I felt so frustrated with all this polyamory shit. It felt like it was just an excuse for people to do whatever the fuck they want and not consider anyone else's feelings. They are always just trying to play the good guy who loves and cares about everyone and everyone is equal. Bullshit. 

At noon N. and Claire went to a studio to shoot for most of the day, but he said he was gonna be back in a few hours to take his dogs out for a walk as I was not comfortable doing that. It was two big dogs and one of them was basically crazy and untrained. I was happy to finally have some alone time and to be able to just sit down and edit some photos from Costa Rica. Hours and hours later, he never actually came home to take care of his own dogs and didn't even message me. Obviously I'm not a monster so when the dogs started whining I took them out one at a time. I was pissed off and I felt like an idiot and couldn't believe he didn't even message me apologising for not making it home and asking me to take them out. Around 9.30pm he finally texted me asking if I wanted to go to a cinema with him and Claire. It was like he forgot about the existence of his own dogs and also no, I did not feel like going to a cinema with a girl who completely ignored me, so I said I wasn’t feeling it. They came home around 1am and I was pretending I was asleep. This time they closed the door to his bedroom which they didn't do the night before. I'm 90% sure I heard them having sex and then in the morning I heard them making out. I spent most of the night awake crying, feeling once again like an absolute loser. In the morning I got up early, only briefly saw N. and told him I was going out. I went to a cafe where I was planning to stay for most of the day. Claire was supposed to leave that early evening and I wanted to make sure I would come back after she had already left. 

When I was going back I met N. outside walking alone with the dogs. He told me Claire was staying for another couple days. I knew I had to say something. So I told him I felt like I was not wanted there and that especially she was making it pretty clear. I said I felt uncomfortable in that whole situation and that it seemed like he was just playing with me. To which he said that he was very clear with me from the very beginning, very clear with what he and Claire had between each other and that he did not make any promises to me. Funny. You know, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. How life used to be so simple when we were 10 years old and at school. If a boy liked me, he would just send me a note during a class asking if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I would say yes and then we would hold hands and maybe he would kiss me on a cheek if he was brave enough. Now men literally fuck you, hold your hand, walking around the city with you like you're his girlfriend, but it means absolutely nothing. How did relationships get so fucking confusing? 

I didn't wanna stay with them for another night so I booked myself a room in an airbnb nearby. I went to his flat to get some of my stuff and Claire was there. She didn't even say hi to me and just went to the bedroom and closed the door. Very mindful considering the fact that the bathroom entrance was through the bedroom, so I guess if I needed to piss, I would just have to hold it. I packed a few things and got the fuck out. I spent the next two days in bed eating shit, crying and watching my cosy shows. I was so tired after all the travelling, shit experiences, heartbreak etc. In a way it was nice to be able to just let myself feel it and be miserable for a bit. 

After two days of feeling sorry for myself I went back to N. knowing from him that Claire had left the evening before. I guess a person with a high self esteem would just pack their shit and leave, but I didn't. We talked, we admitted we took it too fast, that there was a misunderstanding (yeah, right) and he said he would still be happy if I stayed and we could just be friends if I preferred. Thanks to knowing that flights back to London were more than I had on my back account, I decided to stay. And as you may have noticed I'm weak, so it didn't take long until we got intimate again. But that doesn't mean I wasn't angry anymore. I was and that's why I decided to go on tinder and get myself a date. Then mentioned it to N. super casually like it was a no biggie. Guess what? He did not take it well. Don't you just love men? They can do whatever they want with whoever they want, but once they get the same treatment, suddenly it's wrong. He tried to blame it on how I told him and that it wasn't considerate enough, but I knew it was the good old male ego speaking. I eventually decided to cancel the date because the last thing I wanted was to get involved with another man and also because I basically got what I wanted. I let N. think the whole time when he was at work that I was on a date, and only when he got back home he found out I didn't go. Maybe lame, but I was pleased with myself. However I do not recommend these childish toxic games in relationships. Definitely don't ever take inspiration from me. We then talked and made a deal that as long as I'm in Ohio and we were together, we were gonna be monogamous. 

Because flights back to London from Ohio were so insanely expensive, I had this crazy idea to fly from New York. It would have been a shame being so close to that city that everyone should visit at least once in their lifetime and not go. Flights were half price from NY and N. never been. So we decided to have a road trip in a few weeks.

I spent almost 3 weeks with him in Ohio and five days in New York. It was wild. We had some wonderful times together and I really really love remembering certain days and memories. But there was also a lot of toxicity and bad memories. Which I guess is understandable considering our bad start and the fact we basically got together and lived together, whilst we were still getting to know each other. I had a lot of love for him, but I also knew he was not a person I would ever wanna be with long term. If we didn't have an expiry date I would have left a lot earlier. He was in his mid 30s and didn't have a proper job. I could tell he was lost but I understood him because I've been there myself. His idea was having a rental photo studio mixed with a gallery, but it was not getting booked and he was losing money. He also wanted to be a photographer, but me as a person with a lot of photography experience, I can say he was shit at it and had zero talent and interesting ideas. Then he said his biggest dream was to be a filmmaker and work on small indie films. He actually got a good gig and was supposed to edit a film for a client and it paid really well. But he just procrastinated on it so much. He would set an alarm saying he was gonna start work on it early, but he just snoozed and kept sleeping. Or he would sit down to start editing but suddenly said he needed fresh air and went for a walk. Came back a couple hours later completely stoned and really didn't give a shit he had work to do. The thing about him was that he was a good talker. The kind of a guy who can talk himself out of anything. So when his client called him asking why he hadn't been working on the film, he would just talk and talk and talk and you just start to believe the shit he was saying. He then also got an offer to work on a small film in LA. He took it, but he knew it was gonna be an expensive trip. So he made a gofundme pursuing people to help him go and make his dream come true. Saying he felt that this was gonna be a breaking point in his career. A lot of people actually sent him money and he did manage to go to LA. However it was not a breaking point for him. Maybe six months after this I saw on his facebook having another gofundme asking people to help him pay his rent as otherwise he would get evicted. I mean, how about just getting a job like the rest of us? He also started his own onlyfans page and kept changing the name of it through the next year - karmictantra, labialiberation bjlovinggirls. Just absolutely ridiculous names. I don't think he ever made any money on there or did any actual work on it.

One evening he went to his studio to work and told me he was gonna be back later. When it was starting to get pretty late I messaged him asking if I should wait for him or go to sleep. No response. So I tried to call him. No response again. Obviously I started to get worried. I kept calling every 30 minutes or so but he never picked up. So I did my best to fall asleep but couldn't turn my brain off and kept thinking about all the worst scenarios that could have happened. He came home early in the morning, told me he just smoked some weed and fell asleep in his studio and couldn't understand why I was so pissed. I don't think I'm in the wrong here when I believe that if you even just temporarily live with someone who you're also fucking, you should let them know that you're not gonna make it home. 

The worst side of him came out the first evening in New York. We were walking around all day, I was tired, we were together 24/7 and I was moody. He noticed that, made a comment about it and so I said: “Well, how about we just don't speak for a while?” I had no idea that it would make him so mad. He turned around and walked away from me. Stubborn me was pretty sure he was gonna chill out and come back so I had no intention to chase after him. But he didn't. I started to get nervous and went the direction he left. It was getting dark, I was in a fucking New York and I had 2% of a battery on my phone, because I was using it for directions the whole day and it was on him to get us back to our airbnb in south Brooklyn. I didn't see him anywhere and I started freaking out. I had no charger on me, I didn't have much money and honestly didn't know what the fuck would I do. I decided to call him and hoped that my phone wouldn't die on me. He picked up and I did my best to sound as nice as possible asking him to come back to meet me, saying that I was sorry and that we were gonna talk about it. He was really pissed off. He said that I couldn't talk to him that way, that he was not gonna come back and that I got what I wanted. At this point I was basically begging him and I started to cry. He eventually came back to meet me. I felt such a relief yet there was absolutely nothing in his eyes. He made me apologise to him and made me beg him to stay. It was one of the most humiliating moments in my life. Crying there on the busy street, saying I was sorry and begging him not to leave me in a city I didn't know, whilst he was looking at me with these dead eyes. No compassion, no love. He seemed like a serial killer at that moment. No matter how bitchy I was, I did not deserve this. On the way back on the subway I was completely shaken. He kept his serious face for the whole journey and barely said a word to me. I went straight to bed when we got to the airbnb. The next morning I found him sitting outside and he was crying. He apologised to me for treating me the way he did, said he didn't understand why he got so angry and asked me to forgive him. I didn't know what else to do but to say that it was okay. I felt like there was no point as I only had three more days left with him. Otherwise I would have left straight away. At least I hope I would have. 

I have no idea how the hell I attract these mentally abusive men, but seeing the shit he posts on his social media now two years later, it all makes sense. He went from the cool polyamorous and sex worker friendly guy to a radical Christian who only preaches sex after marriage, thinks that homosexuality is not natural and that onlyfans should be banned. Sometimes he shares Russell Brand who became a radical Christian after being a junkie and being accused of sexual assault. He also shares Shia LaBeouf who also very recently became a radical Christian after his anger issues and beating up his ex-girlfriend FKA Twigs. There's an obvious pattern, right? It's always the biggest pieces of shit of a man turning to God, thinking that it will help them to become a better person. Yet they preach absolute nonsense and incredibly harmful stuff. I had to laugh at N.’s recent post which was against abortion and where he added: “If you're a woman and you're not ready to be a mother, you should abstain from sex.” Funny to hear that from a dude who hit me raw without even asking me if I was on any sort of contraception. It's also hilarious to see all of his posts about how a man should be the provider and a woman should be the heart of a home (so cooking, cleaning, washing and all that shit men don't want to do), whilst he's not even able to pay his own rent.  I think we all know that most men who preach radical Christianity are the most abusive and perverted people on this planet. There is a reason why books like A Little Life exist and why Christianity is such a popular kink. 

After writing all this even I'm having a hard time to believe we actually did have a lot of good time together. Whether it was having a late night vegan pizza whilst watching Stranger Things on a projector, or a hiking day trip in nature and discovering New York together. It's almost like I spent a month with two different people. One was funny, smart, considerate and the other one was lazy, easily triggered with anger issues. I'm also enormously grateful to him for letting me stay at his home for so long. He never asked me for any money, but of course I often got at least groceries or bought us dinner. Thanks to him I had a place to work and save some more money for the rest of my travels. I also fell in love with his dogs and saying goodbye to them broke my heart.

I'm fully aware that the second part of this post had barely anything to do with polyamory but it made no sense not saying the rest of the story. 

I also “love” how determined I was to never get involved with a polyamorous man again after these two experiences, yet I got back to London and straight away I fell for another polyamorous piece of shit couple days later. 

I hope that third time's the charm when it comes to learning my lesson….