My experience with polyamory vol. 3

I’ve been taking my time with this one. Probably because this one hurt the most. It’s easy to write about a psycho in Ohio who thought he was a God. It’s easy to write about a guy I spent only one month with and is now voting for Trump, following Andrew Tate and is now an incel. But it’s hard to write about someone you actually trusted when he said I love you and then he broke your heart and didn’t even look back. Another thing is that I don’t want to write out of anger and disdain. I don’t wanna be pointing fingers and make myself look like a victim. I want to be as objective as possible and simply just write what happened and take the blame where it needs to be taken. To be able to do that you need to forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive the other person. Move on. And I feel like I finally did that. 

I came back to London from New York and felt determined to stop dating for a while and only to focus on myself. I was staying in London for less than three weeks before going to Paris for a week and then to Czech for a few months. In those three weeks I met M. He was a performer and we’d been following each other for at least a year. He did ask me if I wanted to create some content together but unfortunately it was when I was leaving to go to Costa Rica. Six months later we finally met. I was impressed by his work and felt flattered that he wanted to actually work with me as he seemed so much more experienced and I also found him cute. I knew that he was polyamorous and thanks to my previous experiences I knew I did not want to get involved romantically. Once we met my first impression of him was pretty much the opposite of what I was expecting. We met at his place where we were shooting the video and as we were just chatting at the beginning I thought he was pretty boring. He had this mellow energy and was the complete opposite of bubbly, smiling me. But all that changed when we started filming. The chemistry was undeniable and I felt it all over my body. We’re both good performers but not that good. The feedback we got later on from people who saw the video said the same thing. There’s a reason why it’s 45 minutes long. The sex was that good! 

He then asked me if I wanted to meet again before I left for Paris and as someone who can always use some new friends I said yes. We did a little shopping on Brick Lane and went for a meal and drinks. I definitely did not take it as a date and I didn’t feel like he had any interest in me. He was wearing a t-shirt with Teddy Bears so how could I even take it as a date? We talked a lot about the industry, relationships, polyamory, his partners etc. but I still found him painfully boring. It was like there was no depth to him. After a couple of hours he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place. And my response was: “Wait, you like me?” To which he said with his mellow voice, without any feelings: “Yes. Of course, I thought that was obvious.” I agreed to go to his place and still until today I don’t even know why. I had zero interest in him but since the sex was so good the last time with a camera on, I hoped it would be just as good with no camera. On the tube I saw that he was messaging his girlfriend and in the text he said “I love you.” The whole thing felt wrong. Why was I next to him going to his place to fuck whilst he was messaging I love you to someone else? Why was his girlfriend okay sitting at home whilst he was fucking around? Why did I agree to go to his place when he made zero effort, we split the bill and he came in a pyjama shirt? 

The sex was not good without the camera. Because without the camera it was real and I couldn’t turn off my brain. I hated being some other girl who is just used for sex and nothing more. But it was me who put myself into the situation so I was the only one I could have been mad at. 

We stayed in touch whilst I was away but I knew I only wanted to be friends with him. Even though I didn’t feel like we really clicked I thought that maybe he just needed more time to get to know someone to relax a bit and open up. We made plans to go to the Berlin Porn Film Festival together, which I’d never gone to before. As someone who’s very socially anxious I was pretty nervous because I didn’t know anyone, other than him. And, I still barely knew him! 

On this trip I finally figured him out. It was obvious that he’s not exactly liked by people and he was desperate to fit in, especially with the alternative porn celebrities. I don’t necessarily fit in either but I have no desire to. I accepted a long time ago that I'm just not a person who’s part of these massive friend groups and I always end up with the outsiders. I actually kinda like it. I like to look up to people and creators but I don’t have the need to make myself seen by them and beg them to be my friends. That was always the difference between me and M. 

On the second night in Berlin we went to a private social party in Cheex. Because I was so nervous and M left me alone trying to make friends, I drank too much. It was also an open bar, which is always dangerous. But hey, I actually shined, met a really cool human that I spent most of the evening with and even did some cheeky flirting with another guy. I didn’t eat that much during the day and they only had some snacks at the party and suddenly I was mixing pineapple with wine. Not a good combination. I eventually had to go out to get some air and ended up throwing up. But M was super sweet, took us back to the airbnb and took care of me without being mad or giving me any shit for needing to leave early because of me. That actually made me really appreciate him. What can I say? Us women, we love our male saviours who are not put off by vomit. 

Clearly I was not feeling fresh the next morning. On the agenda was me filming M having sex with another female creator. Somehow I got through it and it was actually my first experience not only filming someone fucking, but also seeing someone having sex right in front of me. I don’t know how to tell you - but I felt absolutely nothing. It was like watching porn but without my Hitachi, it couldn’t do less for me. It wasn’t exactly the hottest sex either. 

That night was another party, this time a dancing party for sex workers only. It started around midnight, I really did not feel up for it and wasn’t gonna go. M and I spent the evening in bed just resting and napping. Then he hugged me and said: “I'm horny.” Weird way to initiate sex, especially since I filmed him in the morning banging. Note that for the past three days we didn’t even kiss. I told him no, but asked him if he could tickle my back. Somehow that brought up the oxytocin in me, I turned my head towards him and I kissed him. It was passionate, full of eagerness. We had a mind blowing sex which felt different than the first and second time. There was no camera and it felt intimate. It made me forget and it made me feel. But as it usually goes, it meant a lot more for me than for him.
Afterwards he tried to convince me to come to the party with him and freshly fucked and falling for a guy who took care of me when I was sick, I of course said yes. I went there to have drinks, dance and have fun with him. He came there to socialise and try to make friends with the cool kids. 
The music was insane and I was dancing like it was the last day of my life. Me and M then decided to get some MDMA. I don’t know how anyone else operates, but everytime I took drugs with someone, there was this unspoken rule to stick together and take care of each other. I don’t think M ever heard of that rule. Because we took the drug and he left me alone on the dancefloor and when I looked for him he was dancing with the cool porn kids, one of them was the girl I filmed him with in the morning. I felt like an idiot. He didn’t ask me to go join them, he just left me there. All the pain from the previous months started to come back and I was the idiot. Again. I literally had sex with him couple hours before just to be left on the dance floor waiting for the drugs to hit. I went to a bar to get some water. I kept looking at him and he didn’t even notice me leaving. I had a massive urge to go home so I could be alone and cry. I wanted to leave and not even tell him that I was leaving, but I knew that it  wasn’t a sensible thing to do. So I came up to him and told him I was going home. He seemed confused at first and followed me as I was going to the cloakroom to get my jacket. He asked why I was leaving and as I said “I can just dance alone in the airbnb, I don’t have to be in a club.” my voice started to shake and tears came to my eyes. He tried to stop me but I was so upset and wanted to be alone. The moment I left the club, the MDMA finally hit. The plan was to get a bus but as I suddenly felt the insane rush of energy, I decided to walk. It was like a 90 minute walk back to the airbnb and it was 3am. At that moment I thought walking was the best idea of my life. M started calling me as I was walking but at first I declined. He tried again and I picked up, because I actually didn’t want him to be worried. He said he went after me and was getting a train back and was asking where I was. When I said I'm actually walking home he was like What??? I'm not gonna lie - as much as I don’t recommend walking home high in the middle of the night in any city, town or village, especially if you’re a woman, this was the best walk of my life. The fresh air, the moon, different city, I felt it all. And M stayed with me on the phone for the whole time. His dose of course hit as well and he managed to take the wrong train and went to the other side of Berlin than where we were staying. I thought it was the most hilarious thing ever, especially because it was so him. He always needed me for directions in Berlin, otherwise he got lost. I told him everything I thought about him on the phone. I told him how I hate how he acts around other people, how desperate he seems, how some people are not even nice to him and he still keeps trying so hard and it’s pathetic. Weirdly - he agreed to it all. Finally I saw him. Finally there was some depth to him. He was a guy who was always unpopular, didn’t have many friends and just wanted to fit in, to be a part of something. We eventually arrived outside of our airbnb at the same time. He had to take an Uber and I had 15k steps on me. We were standing outside the airbnb for another 30 minutes just talking about everything again. He cried, I cried, and we were hugging. It was so pure, beautiful and human. 

And so I forgot. I forgot he left me at the club. He left me after we took drugs. I thought that I had some magic superpowers and I managed to talk to his soul and from now on he was gonna be unapologetically himself instead of trying to impress people who couldn’t care less about him. 

I went back to Czech for a couple more weeks and here and there we messaged. When I finally came back to London for good, we agreed to meet for dinner. My attitude towards him changed a lot. I was really excited to see him and had butterflies like people do before a date. Yes, this time I actually thought it was gonna be a date. As a classic lovergirl, I thought the night in Berlin brought us together, and we now had this special connection. But then we met and when I asked him what was new, he just started talking about all of his partners. Faye was being too distant, him and Sarah were back together, he met up with Cara after a long time and it was great etc. Great way to kill the mood. I realised that indeed we did not have a special connection and remembered how much I did not want to be a part of this mess. The last straw was when we sat down at a restaurant and he told me that the waitress was hot. Don’t get me wrong - I have nothing against a man I'm with complimenting other women, but only as long as I actually get compliments as well? M said nothing to flatter me and I wasn’t even sure if he was happy to see me. I ended up being bitter for the rest of the evening. I think our whole relationship whether when we were partners or just friends was exactly this sort of never-ending loop. Me having certain expectations and only ending up disappointed. 

We were friends for the next couple of months. I did my best to keep my distance but I was weak. At some point he was going through a breakup and he felt really awful about it. I came over to cheer him up and he initiated sex and I didn’t say no. Again - it felt awful. Like why was I having a sex with a guy who was feeling so miserable and heartbroken because of someone else? But again - the one to blame was me.

I was struggling to find a place in London and was crashing on my friend's couch. It was not ideal as he was in a shared house and we had to sleep in one room together, but it was better than spending tons of money for a hotel or airbnb. But after a month my friend found out he had to move out soon and suddenly I was fucked. The friend went to crash on his friend's couch whilst he was looking for a place, but I had nowhere to go. So M offered me to stay with him. Oh, the white knight behaviour got me to my knees again. I felt special and I started to think that maybe I could actually do it. Be polyamorous and be with him. I couldn’t care less about dating other people but I did want to be with him. Or at least give it a try. I convinced myself that when it comes to my job, it only made sense for me to be in any sort of open relationship anyway. There was just no way I could be monogamous with anyone and still do this job that I love. 

The day I was moving to his place, M came to pick me up with his car and helped me with all my stuff. I was never fond of his style and the way he dressed. It always felt like he was blind. Mixing colours and patterns together that wouldn't match etc. But this time he came in regular jeans, converse, blue hoodie and I thought he was the sexiest man alive. I suddenly knew I wanted to be with him and give it a try. Plus the type of polyamory he was doing was non-hierarchical, which means every partner is equal and there are no primary partners. Since I'm pretty competitive I thought this was gonna work well for me.

Those eight upcoming months cost me all my confidence, beliefs and at the end I didn’t even recognise myself. I hated myself so much. The person I become. So desperate, pathetic, begging for love that just wasn’t there. Feeding on bread crumbs, ignoring the red flags, settling for the absolute bare minimum. 

This relationship must be one of the most humiliating things that I ever made myself be part of. I used to like the idea of polyamory. Having maybe two special people in my life rather than one. That’s how most books about polyamory are portraying it. Reading The Ethical Slut I thought: Wow, why would anyone want to be monogamous when you can have even more love in your life?

The thing is, I was in a relationship with a person who was desperate to be liked. Whilst I was having butterflies from having a new relationship with a new person, he was constantly on dating apps, having one match after another. It wasn’t even a week that we were officially together and he already went on a date with someone new. And, again next week, and again the week after. Every time with someone new. If he wasn’t on a date with someone, he was at a sex party fucking random people. And, if he wasn’t on a date or a sex party, he was making content with other sex workers. As much as I was not jealous when it came to his work, I never understood why he was constantly messaging to so many performers asking for a collab, when he wasn’t even making any money out of it. He was only selling the videos on one platform where he would probably make like $30 per month. Considering how time consuming making content is, that is really not fucking worth it. 

But don’t get me wrong - he still always found a time for us to be together. The thing is that I had absolutely zero interest in dating other people and genuinely couldn’t even find time for it. If I wasn’t with M I was busy doing my stuff and working. A few times I actually went on the apps but I felt like it was such a massive waste of my time. Isn’t the point of dating someone to actually be able to get off the stupid apps and not have pointless empty conversations with random people? Well, M clearly loved it. 

The beginning of the relationship was hard, but also in a way it was the easiest time since we lived together. Which again made me feel special, even though I really wasn’t. But if there was a problem, there was no other way than to talk about it. After a month I finally found a place and moved but suddenly I had to deal with my intrusive thoughts and constant overthinking by myself. I remember thinking that after we finally said “I love you.” I was gonna feel happy and secure. I actually said it first but I was high on MDMA, so it doesn’t really count. He then said it a couple weeks later when we were at London Alternative Market together. It felt amazing. For like an hour. Again, the lovergirl in me thinks that saying I love you for the first time is something special, should be celebrated and should make you feel like you’re on top of the world together. Well, one hour later after he said it, he was getting us drinks at the bar and a girl talked to him for like 10 seconds. For the rest of the night he was obsessed with her and eventually asked me if it was okay for him to ask her for a number. I found myself in this situation a lot - saying yes and pretending I was so cool with it, while hurting and crying inside. Of course I wanted to scream no, it’s not fucking okay because we’re together and we said I love you for the first time yet all you can think about is this chick just because she talked to you for few seconds? How pathetic. But also how pathetic of me pretending I was okay with it when I wasn’t? They eventually went on a date, had sex and then she ghosted him. But somehow she got obsessed with me and was constantly stalking my stories on insta even though she didn’t follow me. Even after me and M broke up. I eventually had to block her. 

The whole non-hierarchy started to bother me as well. How can everyone be equal? How can you say that a girl you know for a week is just as important as me who’s with you for 6 months? Who are you gonna spend Christmas with? Valentines? What??? Whoever books you first? Sounds like sex worker kinda bullshit and not a partnership. What if you wanna live with someone? What if it’s not going to be me? I drove myself crazy with all these questions. Especially as I really wanted something real and something with a potential future. I love living alone and I love my alone time, but of course I would one day want to live with my partner and share even more of my life with him. He told me that he would only consider it if I was okay with him bringing different girls there. I'm sorry how fucked up is that? That someone who is supposed to love me would even suggest that we live together, but once in a while he will bring in someone else and I'm gonna have to just fuck off or sleep on a couch and listening to them fucking. I hate wasting time as I'm fully aware that life is short and I definitely felt like I was just wasting my time with him, because it could never work. But I also wasn’t strong enough to break up with him because I didn’t wanna be alone. 

There were two weeks in those eight months when I felt really happy and secure. It was because he wasn’t dating anyone else, he wasn’t going through any breakups, he wasn’t even speaking to anyone else. It was just nice to feel like I was his girl. The girl. But that didn’t last long. We went to Devon to see his parents and on the train he told me that he met someone new (let’s call her Lisa)  and they were gonna see each other again. I already knew this sharp pain of jealousy and taught myself how to swallow it and put on a smile. But then he told me that sometimes when we’re having sex, he needs to think about someone else to actually cum. Again - I guess I can only blame myself because I asked him that. Why did I ask such a stupid question? Because that’s just what I did. I would ask the most ridiculous questions because I needed so much reassurance since I was so self conscious in this relationship. It was the classic “Would you love me even if I was a worm?” sort of question. And I did not expect this sort of response. I just really wished at that moment he wasn’t taking the “never lying to each other” so seriously, because hearing this made me feel awful about myself. I don’t want to sound naive and say that every time I'm having sex with someone I'm 100% present and never think of something or someone else. But it was just too much. It felt like I was getting one bullet after another. 
I felt awful and depressed and had to go straight to bed in his parents house like a crazy person. I definitely made an impression. But his mum was super sweet and understood that something happened between us and I was upset. She even came in and tried to comfort me. I just hated myself so much. I hated the relationship, I hated how it made me feel and I thought I was the problem, not him. My insecurity, my jealousy, my neediness, all the romantic movies I grew up watching and loved. 
I had to leave the next morning because I really needed to be far away from him and pull myself back together.

Things went downhill from then. He started seeing Lisa regularly, going to visit her in Bristol and then she was coming to stay with him. She was the first girl of his that was active on social media as much as I am. I would be alone at home stalking her insta stories seeing how they are having the best time together. She was beautiful, creative and I hated her. 

I noticed we were having less and less sex. Basically the only time we had sex was for work. At the beginning of our relationship he actually made an effort to have morning sex with me, because he knew how much I loved it, but that never happened anymore. I would come to his place for four days and we had sex once for work and the next day I even just tried to suck his dick at noon on the couch, when he finally woke up and he would just say no. I felt disgusting. Obviously I brought this issue up and the best thing he could do was saying that he just doesn’t want to have that much sex with someone he’s been with for a while and it’s absolutely normal. Note that we were together for 7 months, not 7 years. 

Then Lisa came to spend a night with him in London and I saw him a couple days later. We went for a one day festival to Victoria Park. Just before the main act my intrusive mind started to wonder and I asked something I just shouldn’t have. I asked how many times they had sex when Lisa came over. 

“Do you really wanna know that?” He asked.

Say no, say no, say no … a voice in my head screamed.

“Yep”.  I said out loud. 

“Three times. Twice the first night and one time in the morning.” He said with a smirk on his face.

I felt sick. I felt hurt and I wanted to cry. But I didn’t wanna cry in front of him. Not anymore. I said that I'm just so done with that shit and walked away. I felt once again so humiliated but again - it was my fault. I was willingly in this relationship where I never felt loved, never felt like my needs were being met yet I was not able to break up with him. I couldn’t do it because I made myself believe that no one will ever want to be with me because I'm a sex worker. As I was walking away from him (he did not go after me) my first thought was that I was gonna go home, but then realised I can as well just stay and enjoy the main act by myself. I cried for most of the performance. 

Couple weeks later he broke up with me in Pret. I’ll forever wonder how his brain worked and what was he thinking: Mhmm where should I do it? How about Pret which she loves and goes to every single day and it’s always full of people? Yes, sounds like a perfect plan!
He was two hours late. First he messaged to ask if we can meet up one hour later because he needs to get some things done. Then he was late for another hour as he got lost and went to a completely different Pret than we agreed to. 
I cried. Of course, I cried a lot. Even though I was suffering so much and he was doing what had to be done, I didn’t want it to end. I hated him for breaking up with me and I hated him for making me cry in public. He cried a little bit too. He said he still wanted us to stay friends, hang out and possibly still work together.
Later I found out the reason why he postponed was because he was cleaning his house as Lisa came to visit him that same evening. As I was at home crying I was watching them on instagram having the best weekend together and being so in love. Well, at least he was sad about our break up for 10 minutes or so. Isn’t polyamory just beautiful? One thing ends but you don’t even have to care because you already got something else lined up.

I don’t know why I didn’t cut him off completely after this. Why did I still let him make a complete idiot out of me over and over again. 

And why did I go to Berlin with him for another Porn Film Festival?! It was less than one month after our break up. When we were still together I asked him several times if we should go and he was hesitant and couldn’t make up his mind. Of course when he asked me to come to Berlin after we broke up and like two weeks before PFF was happening, I said yes. It was mostly because of our work for a certain porn company and the fact that now I had some sort of place in the festival too. If we came it meant we were gonna do a little interview for them, meet the team and meet other couples. As someone who’s been trying to get more work in porn and get established, it felt like a good opportunity.

I got to Berlin one day later than M. I was up since 4am as I had a morning flight and barely slept because I went to a Halloween party the night before. The welcome I got from him was not what I was expecting. In the first minute I arrived to the airbnb completely exhausted, he said that he wanted to go home and he never should have come. I was like WHAT???? Turns out the cool porn kids went on a dinner the night before and didn’t invite him. He started to cry. Like yes, actually cry. He cried more than when we were breaking up. At that moment I knew I made a mistake and couldn’t believe I came to spend some time with this pathetic piece of shit. Once again it felt so unfair towards me who just travelled the whole morning to be there with him as a friend, and the first thing he did was to say he didn’t want to be there??? Because people who are not even his friends didn’t invite him for dinner?? 
He eventually put himself together and went for some talks whilst I tried to have a nap before the work interview. I was really nervous about it as I'm just not a good talker, but eventually I smashed it. Meeting the other couples was great too and even M seemed better and we were getting along well. That night was again a sex worker party only, just like it was the year before. The one where we took the drugs and he left me alone. It was even at the same venue again. After what happened last year and the fact we just broke up and were trying to be friends, I thought it was going to be different. I thought he was smart enough to do things differently. When the work event finished we went to get some dinner and I actually felt really good about the whole situation. I was thinking: I think we can actually be friends and have a good time here. We then went back to the airbnb to get ready for the party and on the way he asked:

“Is it gonna be okay with you if I hook up with someone at the party?”

My heart stopped and I felt sick. Again that feeling. It hasn’t even been a month since we broke up, we’re here trying to be friends, he literally just got a new girlfriend and he’s already thinking about fucking someone else? He also knew I was not handling the break up easily, so why couldn’t he just keep his dick in his pants for once and just have fun with a friend? Why did everything constantly need to be like a Pokemon: Gotta fuck them all game with him?
I said he can do whatever the fuck he wants because we’re no longer together. 
He didn’t even notice the change of my attitude and asked:

“And you’re also gonna be okay if I go home with them?”

I saw myself being left alone at the party again. I saw myself going home even though I came all the way to be there with him. I saw how stupid and pathetic I was. And so I lost it. All of my bad feelings came out. We ended up fighting for the whole time we were getting ready. Then we got to the party and we fought even more there. We had to sit down to argue and it was exhausting. I never actually saw him this way - he is not the type that would argue - he just listens and tries to understand and just says how he sees things. But this was a proper argument. After an hour there we took the Uber back, silently went to bed and fell asleep. The next two days I didn’t leave the bed whilst he was going to see all the different movies and different panels. He did always ask if I wanted to come with but I just said no. I'm not good with pretending that everything is okay when it’s not, and in a way it was so much safer to just stay in and watch the Beckham documentary than being with him around other people. I kept checking flights and buses back to London but it was so expensive and not worth it. I couldn’t wait to go home and couldn’t care less about any of that Festival shit.

Normal people would take this as a last straw but I didn’t. I actually still kept him in my life. We weren’t in touch as much anymore but we met once in a while mostly for work. In a way it was nice and once again I thought we could make it as friends. But of course the last straw must have happened at some point. 

I applied for work at Ersties. I really wanted a porn project that finally didn’t include him and I could just be my own person. So I don’t know why when Ersties asked me if I knew any men who would be up for pegging in my scene, I asked M. I could have simply said I didn’t know anyone. I mean casting is their job anyway. I guess I was nervous doing my first ever proper porn shoot and the idea of having a familiar face there made me feel at ease. So they casted M and the scenario for the scene was that we were a couple, another girl came to us to learn how to peg and I would teach her. So much for being my own person, right? There was a lot I didn’t like about the communication with Ersties. For being the proud all women company, they are just as shit as any male studio would be. Weirdly they told me I can’t have my piercings in, yet looking at their videos I see bunch of girls with piercings. So I told them I was not willing to take them off and eventually they agreed. Then there was some miscommunication about testing and I honestly just felt annoyed and stressed. Obviously you’re only getting paid for the scene and not for all the work and communication before that. And already being a full time escort I had a lot on my plate. 
When everything finally seemed to be coming together we were having a group call with all the performers and the directors. At the end of the call they said that as much as a bush was okay, us girls have to have shaved legs and shaved armpits. If you follow me for a while, you’ll know hairy armpits are kinda a big part of my image and I make a lot of money from them when it comes to full service. Lots of clients book me just because of them. I said nothing during the call as it was just such a surprise and there was no time for giving it any thought. I also hate confrontation and being the annoying person, especially since I was already complaining about the piercings. But honestly after thinking about it I was not gonna let it go - especially since nothing had been said before. We were getting ready for the shoot for a couple weeks. I said in the registration form that I had hairy armpits, and I also knew that they work with lots of hairy creators. It didn’t feel fair and I would have to change my branding on all my ads until my hair grew back. Seems like too much fuss for not such a great pay. I did not get any support from M who never even said thank you for getting him this gig. He actually asked me to not say anything, because he was afraid that if they decided to cast someone else instead of me he would lose the job too. Well, after arguing with the director I said I wanted to step away from the shoot as long as M can still have the job. I really didn’t like how unprofessional they were and when I told them that it seems hypocritical asking me to shave, whilst they were working with different hairy creators they said: “Different body types work for different shoots.” Yes, I guess hairy armpits are not suited for a woman who’s fucking a man in the ass. Makes 100% sense. 

You have to admit - it’s kinda hilarious. I really wanted to make a name for myself but instead I got a job for my ex who didn’t even say thank you and I eventually wasn’t even on the job! Sounds exactly like a story of my life.

The biggest bomb came when I found out that they casted a hairy performer instead of me. And no I didn’t find out from M. I found out from her. We didn’t know each other but we followed each other on instagram. She randomly messaged me asking if M was a vegan as she was doing a shoot with him in Berlin, his flight was delayed and she wanted to get him some food. I guess you can imagine that I did not take it well. First I thought she was just taking the piss and she tried to rub in my face that she got the job instead of me, especially since M had on his profile that he’s a vegan. But of course it was not the case. I did apologise for being bitter and accusing her of it but she just wouldn’t take it and genuinely showed no empathy for why I could be upset. There was a big big drama about it and even the other girl who was in the scene came onto me. M did not reach out once. I bet he didn’t even find it weird who they hired instead of me and didn’t say a word. He was just happy he got to be on the screen and be valid for one day.

It’s been eight months and I haven’t spoken to him. He used to complain a lot that he didn’t have any friends outside of the poly and sex worker community. Friends who would also be just friends and not fuck buddies. I now 100% understand why. It’s because his pathetic desire to be liked means that he will stab you in the back whenever it suits him. 

I actually take the last incident as a blessing, because it finally made me so disgusted with him, that there’s no way I would ever even wanna be even just friendly with him. I believe it was supposed to happen because two days later after I said no to the shoot, I got a booking from a client for four hours who loved my armpits. I got paid more than I would for the shoot which I would have to travel all the way to Berlin for and work on the set whole day. 

We were never a good match. As much as polyamory was the main problem we just didn’t get along. I'm a morning person who wants morning sex and go for brunch after. He was a guy who wanted to sleep until 12pm and then spend the whole day in pyjamas. I want to work on myself, my work is everything to me, I have numerous hobbies and all he wanted to do was fuck everything that moves, didn’t have a real job (yes sorry, being a landlord is not a real job) and had no dreams and goals. I'm a naturally joyful person and he was always mellow and negative. Whilst I would be happy that we were outside together on a sunny day, having an iced coffee and life was just beautiful, he was complaining about his paper straw melting and completely killing the mood. I loved hiking and he hated it. We disagreed on lots of things and whilst I did my best to talk about opposite views respectfully, he would laugh in my face when I said something and made me feel stupid. I want a beautiful once in a lifetime kinda love with a deep connection that people write poetry about and he just wants holes to fuck.
Don’t get me wrong. We had plenty of nice moments too. He was always very supportive of my work and I could talk to him about everything and he was happy for me when I was doing well. We would have nice date nights, he planned a beautiful getaway for my birthday, was always buying me flowers, helped me with my blog posts and in some ways he did try to make the relationship work and never really promised me something he couldn’t do. 
I don’t necessarily think that he is a bad person, however he lacks any sort of empathy and consideration towards other people’s feelings. He’s also in no way interesting or original. But that just might be bitter me talking and also my best friend talking, but it is kinda his job to always be on my side so, who knows. 

It took me a good year to get over all of this and feeling like myself again. Happy, positive and confident. To set boundaries, especially for myself. To stop ignoring red flags and stop settling for the bare minimum. To not be with someone who wants different things than I do. I had the happiest year being single, just working on myself and figuring out what it is that I want. And realising that it’s so so much better to be alone, than with someone who’s making you constantly miserable. My life improved a lot after this experience. Basically I'm no longer a person who lets other people treat me like shit. I like to see the good in people and that’s what made me give them one chance after another. And so I got burnt over and over again. I no longer do that - one more chance? Sure. But no second chances, because people don’t change. Especially when they are not treating you with respect. Kindness and compassion are free and that’s not something you should be asking for. The right people will always treat you right.

(there will be part 4 to sum up my thoughts and feelings about polyamory)