On goodbyes

I wrote this Instagram post in 2022 in New York after I said goodbye to another person I loved. I was sitting alone inside of a caravan in Brooklyn where we had been staying for a week. I couldn’t stop crying and the pain I felt in my chest was so sharp I needed to write down what I felt:

Travelling. Seeing the world. Meeting people. That's the dream for most of us, right?

I wonder how many people are following my journey or other accounts of different solo travellers and are thinking: "I wish I could do that. I wish I was brave enough. I wish I had enough money. I wish my work allowed me to."

And it looks so good, right? Especially on Instagram. And in many ways it is. And in many ways it also isn't. I get stressed out a lot - bad wifi in an Airbnb, getting lost, not feeling safe, catching flights, not having a proper routine, losing or forgetting things, injuries, not having my friends around...there's a lot. But the worst things are the goodbyes. I'd be happy to deal with all the other stuff with a big smile on my face if I never had to say goodbye to a person I loved ever again. But that's not possible because it's part of it. Every bloody goodbye feels like a massive heartbreak to me. And every heartbreak feels like death. And I feel like I had my heart broken in the past 6 months more often than I have in my whole lifetime. Every time I need to say goodbye to a person I love not knowing when or if I will ever see them again I start doubting whether all this is even worth it. Every time I'm leaving in a car watching the person slowly drifting away, or I'm standing in a driveway watching the person leave... I just want to quit. Because how can something be so great and wonderful and so damn painful at the same time? But then I realise if I wasn't doing this I would have never met them in the first place. And even though it hurts now, all the memories, love, and laughs are so much stronger than the pain. Even though it feels so damn lonely and unfair at that moment. 

If I spent a week with you, two weeks, or a month, I'm so so grateful and I love you and will always cherish all the moments. The good and the bad ones. You know who you are. 🤍🙌🏻

I’ve been saying goodbye to people since 2013. I was 20 years old and it was the year I moved to the UK and left everything and everyone I’ve ever known behind. I left knowing I wouldn’t be coming back. I was determined to build my life somewhere else for years and I was finally doing it. I don’t know where I got the strength to leave all my loved ones knowing that nothing would ever be the same. But I reckon it was because I was so young. And I had so much to learn.

The goodbyes only get harder. It’s something I can never prepare myself for. Especially as I'm growing older I'm noticing how difficult it is to meet someone I really click with. A soul connection. It’s hard to find the right people and it’s even harder letting them go.

To J. who has loved me more than anyone probably ever will. But I knew it needed to end because I could never feel the same. Yet I still kept him close, because I was so scared to be alone. It was the hardest goodbye I had to do when moving to the UK. On our last night out together he walked me home like he had so many times before. We spent hours in the entryway to my flat saying goodbye, crying and kissing. He probably didn’t know it, but I knew that five years of our weird unexplained bond was about to end forever.

To M. who was my first love. I fell in love with him when I was 13, and when I was 21 I finally got to completely close the chapter and say goodbye. 8 years of breaking each other’s hearts, but the Universe somehow kept bringing us together. I came to visit Czech from the UK, and one evening I got a message from him asking if I wanted to meet up. I agreed and we had the strangest yet most incredible night together. Nothing existed but us and our love that we had felt for each other since we were kids. We got drunk, jumped on a train to a complete shit-hole, where we planned just to get another drink but instead we booked a room and stayed at this cheap hotel. We only shared one kiss. In the morning the magic was gone, we took the train back to the city, said goodbye and went on with our lives, like that night never happened. I went back to the UK, he went back to his girlfriend and I will forever wonder if he ever told her about our night. As I watched him leaving I knew we were never meant to end up together. It was one of the goodbyes where all I felt were peace and closure.

To S. who came to say goodbye to me at my old work in the cafe in Hampstead. She was finally moving back to France after talking about it for so long. I don’t even think it was a proper goodbye because I was in denial. I didn’t allow myself to feel it. How could I? She was the first and closest friend I made in London and we had just spent 3 years of travelling, going to gigs and festivals and eating good food. Her leaving was the end of an era I will remember forever with a full heart, thinking how blessed we were to have found each other. If only we could stay young forever.

To R. who was leaving London to move to Iceland. We spent almost three years in a relationship that wasn’t really that great or healthy, but somehow we got close again after we broke up. It was morning and we had just spent our very last night together. I was standing at my front door saying my final goodbye, bursting into unexpected tears wondering if I’d ever see him again. I watched him walk away thinking about all the bad we’d been through still knowing I would love him forever. He turned around for the last time to wave at me and then he was gone.

To T. I met in Costa Rica. I fell for him too hard and too quick. We both knew that it was never gonna work because we wanted different things. I was waiting for my taxi that would take me from his place to an airbnb I had booked for myself. When it finally arrived he helped me to take all my stuff to the car. I had already been crying for the past hour but now I was truly sobbing. I asked him if I was ever gonna see him again. He said yes but I knew it was a lie. “I love you.” he said hugging me. “I love you too.” I said back, left his arms and got into the car. As the car started running I looked back to see him standing in the driveway. My heart was completely shattered and I kept asking myself why did I have to meet him when it just had to end like this?

To S. I also met in Costa Rica. He was supposed to finally be a good thing that happened to me there. But when we met face to face after talking practically nonstop for over a week on the internet, we soon found out we got along a lot better online. We still spent a week together in a treehouse, somehow getting on with each other a bit more every day, just not enough to actually make anything out of it. When I was leaving it felt like another failure. Like another beautiful promise from the Universe that wasn’t kept. I fell in love with something that wasn’t there, and here I was again, leaving in a car, watching someone on the driveway, and I was about to be completely alone.

To N. who saved me when I ended up alone in Ohio with barely any money. More than a month of living together, getting closer and closer every day trying to make this relationship work. It happened so suddenly and neither one of us was ready for it. From hanging out in Columbus, to hiking in Ohio, to road-tripping to New York and exploring it for a week. I thought I was ready to say goodbye but that didn’t make it any easier. This time it was me standing on the driveway watching him leave. Him going back to his old life, me finally ending my travels and going back to London. It was a goodbye to him and a goodbye to a dream life I had pursued that just didn’t work out.

There were many many more, but these are the ones that had some of the biggest impacts on me. Each of them was the end of an era. It’s great to have so many beautiful memories with people all around the world, but what’s sad about it is I will never be able to have all the people I love in one place together.