The real truth about losing virginity

Movies and tv shows are not giving us a false image just about love and relationships, but also about sex. Movies that are mostly for young teen girls are teaching them that virginity is something sacred, special and we should wait for THE ONE, who we decide to give our virginity to. Because “the first time“ is something we're gonna be remembering for the rest of our lives. Then movies for a bit older audience are showing us that people during sex look absolutely flawless and a thing like smudged make-up doesn't exist. And foreplay? Not needed. And if they do put it in a movie it doesn't take more than 30 seconds, then the whole sex is couple minutes and is ending with two people having an orgasm together at the same time. All of this couldn't be further from the truth. 

Making young women believe how “sacred“ their virginity is, is just another way to prevent them to exploring and embracing their sexuality and just enjoying it exactly like men do. No one is telling young boys that they should cherish their virginity and they should wait for The One. Exactly the opposite actually. Most boys start to masturbate around 10-12 years old and it's just a normal thing boys do. But when a young girl is caught touching herself between her legs she's told that this is something decent girls don't do. No wonder there's so many women out there who can't reach an orgasm, because they don't masturbate and don't know their own body. The stigma around female masturbation is still here even though it's 2021. 

Can you imagine how much disappointment we could have avoided if someone just told us the truth from the beginning? Why don't people just say: “Look, lose your virginity soon. It'll be uncomfortable, it'll hurt, expect blood, but then you'll be able to enjoy hours of pleasure with the other person, experiment and find out what you like. That's the fun part.“  That “first time“ is and was for many of us many things but special. It's awkward, messy, and nothing you expected. For the girl and for the boy. It's something a person looks back to and feels relieved it's been done. 100% there is no person that looks back and says “Wow, that was honestly something. I will never have better sex than that.“

All this is a pretty close topic for me, because I also grew up with the idea, that sex belongs in a bedroom full of candles, rose petals, romantic music and it took me quite a long time to accept sex how it truly is without feeling like I did something wrong after it. Because sex is chaotic, messy, sweaty and it's absolutely fine to act like animals and lose control over yourself, because we are animals. I used to be such a hopeless romantic when I was younger and I still call myself a romantic, it just has a completely different meaning for me now than when I was 11-15 years old. Now a romantic time for me is even an afternoon that I spend with my vibrator. But back then? My favourite show I always watched when I got home from school was Wild Angel. Come on, who else remembers Milagros and Ivo? Their first sex and I believe for her it was also losing her virginity, was in the middle of the night in an empty house, with a matrace just next to a fireplace, candles everywhere and some slow music was on. Right after sex they were just lying down, cuddling and talking. And that's how I wanted my first time to be. I couldn't imagine doing it in any different way. But what teenager has access to a free house without parents? Who has the time to light up like twenty candles without burning down the house when they are about to have sex? 

I grew up pretty fast and to be honest, I was attracted to boys since the moment I got to be around them. And they were attracted to me. I had my first more serious relationship when I was 13. I was dating a boy that was 15 and he was my first love. And yeah, it's true that young boys think about sex most of the time, but girls do too. So the decision to have sex together wasn't just his. It was mostly mine actually as he wasn't rushing anywhere. But I was in love and all my movies and shows taught me that you have sex with another person when you're in love. M. knew what a hopeless romantic I was and so he wanted to make it special for me. During summer break when his parents were working and he was home alone during the morning I was secretly coming to his place. And one day he threw me the keys from the window as he normally did. I came up and in his room slow music was playing and he lit up some candles. It wasn't twenty candles but at least two. It wasn't dark outside either because it was like 9am but you gotta work with what you have. The gesture was enough for me. But maybe I'll disappoint you now. No sex happened. But at least I received my first oral sex which was pretty cool, but right after that M. started to cry because apparently I was too young and he didn't want to hurt me. I still remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was awkwardly hugging him whilst he was sobbing and I was disappointed that I will have to keep that sacred virginity for myself a little bit longer. Right after that we were unpleasantly surprised by hearing the keys at the door. Like being rejected wasn't enough, M. got me to hide in his wardrobe whilst I was just in my underwear. To this day I'm wondering if his dad really didn't know he was having someone over, because whilst M. was trying to get his attention in the kitchen, I went for a run half naked and their ratty poodle who was barking at literally everything, was running behind me. Well, at least this was a scene you could definitely see in movies. 

Me and M. broke up a couple months afterwards so I kept my virginity for another year and a half. When I was 15 I was dating my second boyfriend. With this one I did lose my virginity. But unfortunately I didn't even get those two candles. T. was this classic idiot that was trying so hard to be cool and not show any feelings. Because that's obviously how you're supposed to act when you are a 16 year old boy. Even though I still wanted it to be special and romantic, I also just wanted to get it over with since my best friend at the time already had sex and I didn't want to be behind. T. was coming to my home pretty regularly. We usually made out and he always tried something more. Every time I panicked and told him it was too soon but one day I decided to just hold my breath and leave how nervous I was behind. It all happened so fast that I barely remember it. But it couldn't be more different from my original vision. It happened in the middle of the day in my small room, not even on the bed but on a couch that was small enough for even just one person so imagine two. Just across the hall my step dad was watching football and the sex was short and painful. I was so nervous and so uncomfortable on that little couch that I couldn't relax or enjoy myself at least a little bit. Just before he came he pulled out and started cumming everywhere. And I mean everywhere. My thigh, his thigh and my couch. So I took a tissue and started cleaning up whilst T. was putting his clothes on. So I put my clothes on too and then he left for his karate lesson. No cuddling or talking. And I wasn't a virgin anymore. So I locked myself in the bathroom and started crying. 

And I just wish at that moment someone told me that the worst part is behind me and now the good wild times are coming. After this me and T. had sex all the time and everywhere. My house, his house, outside in a park, at a party, public toilets, empty streets in the middle of the night, you name it. We just couldn't get enough. And that's normal when you're a teenager and you found out the magic of sex. And it's normal even when you're an adult. Because sex is fucking great. But even though I was having a great time I still sometimes heard the voice in my head telling me I was doing something wrong and I was being promiscuous. And later the voice also always came when I was having one night stands telling me I should only have sex with people I'm in a romantic relationship with. How fucked up is this, that society is telling women that if we enjoy sex too much and we sleep with different people, it means we don't respect ourselves and no one will ever want us?

Took me a long time to embrace all this and to go against everything that society is telling us women is right. We are sexual beings and life is too short for us to limit ourselves and to constantly be thinking what other people would think if they knew. I don't believe in monogamy for some time now and damn, how freeing that is. But that's for a different blog post.